When Depression Lies
It is an utter void of despair, seeping into your being. It rewires and re-illustrates what you think the truth is. But remember: depression lies. It’s not easy to look past that when the stress pounds against your skull. When the world makes you feel like a failure for not winning a losing battle. But it’s a lie. You can beat depression…because it lies.
I struggle with depression every single day.
I don’t always notice. Sometimes it pops up when I lay my head on the pillow and all the worries come rushing back. Nothing like a stressmare that’s running on depression and anxiety, right? But I have to always remember depression lies. I’m not a failure while I search for job. A lot of millennials are searching for jobs right now. A lot of us are struggling to make ends meet as the world doesn’t confirm to fit our needs, staying in a stagnant holding pattern until the right chess piece is moved. Far, far above our level.
We’re not in power, not yet.
I’m not a failure because I can’t find my place. After all, it’s hard to find a place when no one is willing to take a chance on me. That’s not my deficiency. I’m the one putting myself out there. It’s a very brave, scary, and too common thing right now. We all have to try.
And I have to remember that depression is nothing more than curling tendrils of smoke and funhouse mirrors. It’s okay to be myself, to try and find a job that will help me do good in the world. Empathy and kindness shouldn’t be blacklisted traits in the modern world. Neither should my need for editing over SEO. The world is changing, and maybe I’m a bit older than the younger half of my generation, but I should have a place. Everyone should.
It’s okay to look for more, to seek out help. I’m in therapy. Quite open about it because it’s not a failure to realize perfection is unobtainable. I can only use the provided tools and sometimes the wrong toold do more harm. I’m smart, resilient, and I can’t let depression win. It’s not about anyone else, even though I know my death would rip apart a few lives.
It’s about knowing I have value. I am valuable. I offer something in this world.
Right now, there’s a tiny grey kitten that I must adopt out sitting next to me. Curled up and sleeping, feeling safe. I provide that. I have goodness inside me enough that she feels secure. That’s what depression wants to hide. I can’t stress out or I get very sick. I can’t lose myself or I almost die. What value would I have for little Harley Quinn if I died? None.
I’m not on medication. I have it in my drawer, but for me, I think the behavior route is more necessary. When I was suicidal last year, the medicine helped. It’s about knowing my body. Right now, I need to feel clear minded in order to accept the changes I need to make. I’m really lucky I have friends who care. Friend who will fight for me. Those are unbelievably rare.
But sometimes friends aren’t friends. They can become vampiric; desperately needing your emotional turmoil to validate their choices. They lie. You have value. You have worth. Don’t let their judgments and presumptions become your truth. They’re not. It’s another smoke and mirror as their lives tumble around them.
Mental illness is a misnormer. You’re not ill. You’re not going to need a penicillin shot to get better in time for the work week. You’re a complex person. Don’t let society tell you who to be. You don’t have to punish yourself.
There is more strength in admitting your truth and needs than living the lies of people who don’t live in your body. You’re not weak. You’re not cowardly if you tumble apart. You’re human. Those voices circling inside the chamber, the loud and every present litany of wrongdoings aren’t your truths.
Depression lies. Wil Wheaton, of Star Trek and fervent L.A. Kings fan fame, summed up in his post: “It’s like I was in a loud room for so long, I didn’t know how loud it was.” That ringing, that incessant noise you can’t ever get rid of, it’s not just you. You’re not alone.
It sneaks inside, it slithers in. It’s hard to not to let it win. But you can’t. Remember: you deserve better. And so do I. It’s not okay, it’s not easy, but it’s survivable. You need to learn your own methods, find your own center balance. You don’t need to do what I or anyone else does. You just need to know yourself. Find your peace.
By remembering: depression lies.